I like to order crab fried rice and kick back on the couch alllll by myself to watch whatever HBO jam I’m into at the moment. Tonight it’s Girls! I am contentedly love-hate binge watching the 4th season, which I am drastically behind on because, honestly, I struggle at times with these Girls.
I have a similar relationship with The Newsroom, but that’s more about the just insanely overboard corn-ballery that makes you roll your eyes in discomfort, as if to say, I’m watching this, but I’m not liking it! It’s like the car crash you cannot look away from. You know it’s gonna be bad, but you can’t not look and then you’re all sucked in and sad the shit got canceled. I digress. Anyway, sometimes I just need a break from these Girls because I mean Jesus they’re just such…girls. Does that sound bitchy? Whatever.
Tonight is different. Crab friend rice and HBO aside and at the risk of outing myself for my petty feelings of “What the fuck! I cannot believe I didn’t write this show first. I mean I actually grew up in New York City! And how the hell can Lenah god damn Dunham be so fucking young and talented?!!!”
Those feelings aside, I must admit I have just made a very important discovery tonight as I watch. I don’t know which scene exactly triggered it, Hannah acting like a crazy bitch or Shoshanna acting like a dumb bitch or Marni acting like an annoying bitch or even Jessa acting like a seriously mean bitch, but at some point I had a real epiphany.
And here it is… I discovered a profound love for these girls in this imagined world, but then, to my surprise, for all the real girls in the real world, and then, miraculously, most of all, I felt a profound love for the girl in me. All this time, I had been walking around sort of judging and dismissing my 20 something self… God I can’t believe how nuts I was. I was so selfish and shallow and stupid. I was such an idiot. Ughhh the ill conceived plans, the poorly made decisions. I thought I knew EVERYTHING! What was I thinking????
It never occurred to me that my conflicting feelings of pleasure and annoyance for Girls could actually be a form of self-loathing masquerading around as intellectual superiority. I mean look, I know why the caged bird sings and I have an Armani suit hanging in my closet, but that doesn’t make me Arianna Huffington for God’s sake! But, it was at this moment I realized I wasn’t any of those things I was so unkindly thinking about my younger self, not really. I wasn’t stupid or selfish or even an idiot. Yeah, sometimes I wasn’t thinking all the time, but so what? I was just being me, a girl in her twenties, growing up. And what a beautiful girl she is in her confusion and her trying and her testing and her playing at being older and, yes, in her being a craybitch and a dumb bitch and an annoying bitch and even a mean bitch, but all in a good way. I treasure her. I treasure me. I treasure Girls.